LABYRINTH OF SECRETS

"Harapan itu apa?" | "Harapan itu babi." - Corbis Razak

Gelap malam.

I didn't feel very well lately, sort of something getting worse day by day. I don't know why, is it because i realized that i don't achieve any self-improvement through out these years or over-thinking has been lead me into this ?

 If you want to know your true strength, dare yourself to do something different, they said. Have you ever try to do something out of your habits, but at last the result are doom, and you know that's not what you're suppose to get. You got so frustrated and the people around keep blaming you, as they started to compare you to the others and judging you for the way you are.

 well, you guys should be clear on something i guess. i chose to be here, the fucking place where i don't even have a flash of. i DO have a doubt but things happen, i can't keep blaming myself for my own choice. back to past 2 years ago, what do you expect from eighteen years old girl, disuruh untuk belajar di tempat yang dia lansung tiada keinginan, dalam erti kata lain takde hati pun nak belajaq kat situ. dekat sana dia rasa takde life, tak nampak apa yang dia nak capai, kosong. haa kan senang nak explain. 

 i've failed once, and that was my biggest mistake i ever did in life, which i disobey my parent's urge and decided to came to this place. i will do my best to make it right, even Thomas Edison only succeed through out thousands trial. things happen for a reason, right ? now i know what i want to achieve in the next 10 years and what i want to achieve by the time i'm 30, insya Allah. I will be brave, and i put my trust on Him. i won't step back because i know He will grant my dream.

*baru lepas unpacked. Suddenly Melody (si kecik housemate) came in and asked me where will my first date be at ? The zoo, of course. Then, coffee. 

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Story of us.

There was a time when I said I love you,
Through thick and thin, this I swear stays true,
I gave up the world just for a second to be with you,
Now I wish I didn't do that, because you never said "I love you too".

Gave up my dreams so you can haunt me every night.
Gave up my worldly possessions, as long as I have you, it's alright.
Gave up my best of friends, now different ways we are apart.
Just to give you my heart, and you tore it apart.

It's taking so long to mend the broken pieces.
It's hard when every little thing make me reminisce.
I wish I can stop asking the question of what ifs,
Baby steps I take, hoping someday I'll find my peace.

Such is my reality, series of sad irrationality.
Who would have thought that this love would be my finality?

Please release me from your hook I beg from you.
Stop giving me clues; I tend to have meanings misconstrued.
There's nothing left in me, I assure you.
All the best of me were destroyed by you.

Now that our love has ended,
My heart is yet to be mended.

There was a time when I said I love you
Through thick and thin, what I swore stayed true
Until you left me out of the blue
That's when I realize you've never, and won't ever love me too.

- http://sigaretperisakafein.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-story-of-us.html?m=1 -

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Mujahadah.

Allah..... mujahadah itu pahit kerna syurga itu manis.....

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Bolehkah golongan kita berkahwin? Punya zuriat, hidup dijalan yang Allah redha?

Jawapan aku, yang juga kudapat dari seorang kawan.

Tiada yang mustahil bagi Allah.

Pertamanya, tinggalkan kekasih mu yang tidak diiktiraf dunia dan akhirat. Jangan beralasan tanggungjawab kerana kawan. Bila sahaja kau pernah merasakan dia lelaki mu atau dia isterimu itu tandanya kau di jalan yang tidak benar. Tinggalkan dia. Maaf, keras ayatku.  Tapi, untuk apa aku berlapik lagi, sampai bila?

Keduanya, lengkapkan solat dan aurat. Usaha, usaha hingga mati.

Ketiga, cari ilmu, dengan ilmu kau akan semakin dekat dengan tuhan dan orang-orang yang baik.

Cukup, buat tiga ini dulu. Inshaallah kau akan temui yang lain. Andai salah satu langkah ini kau gagal istiqamah, atau tidak buat, tapi terusan meroyan akan nasibmu, akan jodohmu, akan rumitnya hidupmu..tandanya kau yang memilih itu semua. Kau yang memilih engkar.

note: Dalam 3 peringkat ini kau akan menderita, tapi yakinlah Allah bersama orang-orang yang berjuang.

- http://malaikatsisigelap.blogspot.com/2014/08/engkar-mungkir.html?m=1

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Pengakuan ke-sejuta kali.


Ya, ini pengakuan yang ke sejuta kalinya. Aku pernah dan masih cintakan dia yang telah pergi meninggalkan. Mustahil bukan ? Yah... tapi mana mungkin aku lupakan cinta pertama. Segalanya yang pertama.

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Terjaga dari lena bersama mimpi tentang dia bersama yang baru datang melawat di tempat belajar. Kelihatan sangat bahagia. 

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Aku tahu mereka sangat bahagia. Aku juga turut mendoakan kebahagian kalian berdua. Cukuplah cinta memisahkan teman baik. Beradulah bersama bidadarimu :)
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Fix you.



When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you
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TigaDalamSatu

theme blog yang entah apa-apa. sendiri tengok pun pening. disaster. ya ya lepas final aku tukar balik. janji. jangan membebel lagi okay ? #muahciked kah kah kah

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baru lepas jalan jauh keliling campus semata-mata untuk duit. dan..... atm rosak so terus menghala ke library. apa kau gelak ? aku memang rajin. haiyya ala' najah kawan :)

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kekasih yang dulu hilang kini dia telah kembali pulang. akan ku bawa dia terbang damai bersama bintang *nyanyi-nyanyi*

semalam aku pergi join theater Princess Sofia under pre-school students. Dan aku nampak se-sosok tubuh sama sebijik dengan "suatu yang pernah". nahhh betullah ada tujuh orang yang sama dalam dunia nie. *senyum* tapi tak tegur pun. malas nak bergaul. anddddd ya know what ? dia orang sekampung dengan aku, ( hasil dari stalk beliau punya insta) . *fliptudung*
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Goodbye my lover.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

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One night stand.

Malam kedua. Berseorangan di bilik hotel. Kegersangan belaian kasih sayang.

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Baca : selama dua malam terpaksa berseorangan di bilik hotel. Parents di bilik hadapan dan sisters bros di bilik paling hujung. Jadi aku fe-feeling like a slave. Kah kah kah macam celaka statement tersebut. Selamat malam !

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Goodbye.


Where did you go, the you who just passed me by and left?

Are you doing fine, at a place without me by your side?

Hoping you’ll come back, the times I’ve waited for you

I’ll let it go now, I’ll forget you now

The beautiful times we had, they’re all memories now

The tears I shed when I missed you like crazy
Hoping you’ll come back, time stood stagnant
I’ll let you go and leave now, goodbye

Couldn’t you find it, the road that leads back to me?

Should I wait a little while more, should I wait here a little longer?
Hoping you’ll come back, I waited all this while
I’ll let it go now, I’ll end it for real

My love for you that I held on so tightly, is slowly dissipating

The me that went crazy missing you, is gradually changing
Hoping you’ll come back, time has stood stagnant
I should erase it all now, for real

My love, it ends right here, this never-ending yearning

Stuck in my throat, I couldn’t say it
Those heartbreaking words of parting
All my beautiful memories of you, it’s leaving me right now

Like falling tears, my love is slowly dissipating

The me that went crazy missing you, is gradually changing
Hoping you’ll come back, time stood stagnant
I should erase it now, for real

Should erase it now,

I should forget you now, goodbye
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Final countdown.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead".

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Selamat ulang tahun yang ke-dua, sendiri.

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Confession.

Scrolling up and down facebook timeline. Tiba-tiba terbaca post dari poems porn "I'm so sorry to all the people i hurt while i was hurting." Mengingatkan aku pada orang-orang yang pernah dan sedang hadir dalam hidup. Means to say that mereka still ada dari dulu sampai sekarang. Tak pernah lari walau aku banyak sembunyi diri. So i'm thinking about updating this spider-space (baca ikut kefahaman masing-masing) (ruang lelabah, mungkin? Kah kah kah) sebab cliche orang yang lama tak update blog akan cakap "dah bersawang blog ini". Okay dah.

And yeah, deep inside, i'm so sorry for those i hurt, unintentionally. I got so much complain from them "you're so hard to reach" , "sombong dah dia" so on. But hey people, there comes a times when i don't feel like talking to anyone, i refuse to replying texts and answering phone calls. It's like i'm going back to the old me, past few years ago which i lived in my own world.

Aku tahu mereka sedikit terkesan dengan sikap aku nie. This evening one of them text me, asking am i lose my interest of befriending her sebab dah tak layan whatsapp semua. No it's not that aku dah tak nak berkawan, aku just keep my distance, tak nak dekat sangat dan tak nak jauh sangat. The same thing i did to the others. I needed so much comfort that i didn't notice i'm transfering the pain to others. But one thing i will do when i'm ready to hu-ha-hu-ha again, i will text them and cari and bagi friendship bracelet. I will. Boleh request color lagi. Heee (Sebab saya dah pandai buat dragon scale bracelet without referring to that particular youtube videos muehehehehe)

Hermmm.... i think one of them, gonna read this post since we got the same interest into girl. Eh terrrrsasul. Into blogwalking and puisi. So i think post nie adalah jawapan kepada your "moi, mana pergi" , "are you avoiding me" , "moi, saya rindu".

Sekian. Selamat malam.

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Kimchi.

Menapak ke restoran korea bersama dua orang bodyguard. Lepas place order, semua leka dengan smart phone dan gadget masing-masing. Antisocial. *diam*

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15 minit kemudian.

Hot korean tea yang diminta sampai. Have a sip. Sambung scroll up and down. Makan sayur jeruk yang dihantar terlebih dulu sebelum yang lain.

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Tiba-tiba sekumpulan manusia seramai 9 orang menyerbu sambil menyanyikan lagu 'Happy Birthday'. Sejurus kemudian terdengar lagu selamat hari jadi versi korea yang dimainkan oleh salah seorang pekerja restoran.

*nangis* ------- Sebab sayur jeruk pedas sangat.

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Fuck

There's so much things going through my mind. So much things that I wanted out of my head. But why couldn't I let it out? Why can't my mouth open up to let me scream it? I wanted to yell but my mouth won't let me. Instead of saying it, I hid it. I faked it. Showing to everyone that I'm fine. And now, I wanted to cry. Even my eyes won't let me. The stress, the pressure and everything. And I faked it all. So that no one can see what I felt. Now not even my mask can fool anyone. I wanted to let it all out. I wanted to let everyone know but I couldn't bring myseld to do so. But then, I only hurt myself more than ever.

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Leaf.

Sometimes I sat here and wonder for a brief moment if only we didn't go our separate ways, we would still be together and I might still be telling myself it's alright to live on with the pain and insecurities as long as you're with me. That it's worth enduring all of that as long as we're together. I used to think we're different from other people. That you meant when you said you don't know what you'll do if we just crumbled just like that but in the end, we're the same as other people. But maybe that's my fault too. I didn't regret what happened but if I could go back, then maybe I would undo what fate was written but in this lifetime, love is a big illusion. I will live the rest of my life with the memories you gave but I also don't want to fade from your memories just like that because to me, you're still my other half. Yet to realize that you're the "other's" half now, make me fall to the ground.

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Burn


Kau boleh pergi jauh sekarang. Jangan pernah curah apa-apa harapan palsu lagi. Kerna dengan harapan palsu itu, aku akan bangkit mendabik dada.

Ya benar tapi itu hanyalah sementara. Dan akhirnya, aku akan tersedu-sedu tangis mengadu sama bintang.

Moga kau bahagia. Ini serangkap ikhlas dari aku.
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Sleepless solitude

*Buka pintu bilik 2*

*Buka pintu bilik 3*

Lihat dalam samar cahaya. Setiap mereka ada gaya tidur tersendiri yang menarik hati. Sangat comel. *Senyum*

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Jika Tuhan tidak bersama aku, aku berharap Tuhan bersama kalian. Paling tidak, bilamana aku bersama kalian, aku tahu aku hampir pada Dia.
 

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Hold breath, count to ten.





*What i've done by Linkin Park on repeat
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After so long. This fight seems to reach a dead end. Got to know that she now with someone else make me feel numb. Got to know that she now isn't all by her own make me shed into tears, after all of these time i tried to hold back the roll of thunder in me. 
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*tepuk-tepuk bahu sendiri. semoga tenang nanti.
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Titik semalam.

Ada perkara yang kau mampu fikir sedalam dan selama mana kau mahu, tapi sikit pun kau tak mampu berbuat apa-apa. Perkara yg kita panggil semalam.

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Sejauh mana aku cuba menidakkan semua, aku gagal untuk kali yang entah ke-berapa. Aku penat. Aku nak tidur. Selamat malam kesayangan.

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Judgemental.

semua orang ada cara berfikir masing-masing. dan tak salah sebagai manusia kita hormati cara orang berfikir. semuanya bersebab.

mungkin pada kita nampak bodoh tapi tidak pada dia. mungkin juga pada seorang budak tingkatan dua menggedik itu comel, tapi pada orang lain memualkan. dia ada sebab,dia menggedik sebab dia mahu tarik perhatian cikgu kacak. kalau dia tak gedik cikgu itu sedar tak kewujudan dia?

kesimpulannya,kalau suka timbangkan buruk baik. kalau tak suka jangan dicemuh-cemuh sebab kita tak tahu apa yang akan berlaku esok hari. itu rahsia Tuhan. Dia simpan kejap.
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marah

Tulisan emo. aura negatif. tapi seriously aku marah. aku minta maaf kalau bahasanya tidak elok berbaur bongkak. kedengaran seperti akulah manusia paling sempurna. sungguh, aku tak tahu nak luahkan dengan cara lain. aku minta maaf.
tapi aku sebal, rasa sebak.

aku tak pandai buat muka kalau orang tue tak lagi sebati dengan aku. kebiasaannya aku hanya akan senyum. ekspresi aku akan dipenuhi dengan senyuman. marah pun senyum? that's me. even aku senyum masa aku cakap tak mahu, jangan, tak nak, tak nak lah, i really mean it. sekali dua aku boleh tolerate. tapi kalau tak nak aku selalu di-ignore,aku jadi sebal. aku tak suka marah-marah sebab aku fikir ruang dan keadaan akan jadi awkward lepas aku elok. tapi tak bererti kau boleh buat suka hati kau. aku tak nak bersebab. bukan sesuka hati aku. 

 I know i'm bad. bak kata kau, aku selalu di tempat terakhir bila aku berada di kalangan orang baik-baik. tapi tak bermaksud kau boleh jaja aku. kalau aku lembik, jangan kau tegakkan aku. kalau aku dependent, kau tak boleh sorong tarik aku. and jangan over-generalize aku. sejukkan aku bukan seperti sejukkan dia. aku dengan dia sama secara fisiknya. tapi aku dan dia bernama lain. kau rasa kau cukup kenal aku. kau rasa aku mudah. sorry, i'm not fully open up to you.
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"sahabat, ini perihal sakit" - diod pemancar cahaya.

semenjak jatuh sakit, ada perkara-perkara membataskan aku untuk menghadap. aku mulai rindu nak menghadap. aku melewati waktu-waktu, namun masih tuhan itu maha penuh dengan sifat ar-rahim, menyembuh aku sedikit demi sedikit. tiap kali keterlewatan aku bangun, aku kira-kira entah beberapa kali mungkin malaikat maut menjenguk, namun dengan izin tuhan, masih mampu bernafas dan melewati waktu-waktu itu seperti biasa dalam keadaan sakit ini. berapa pula orang yang dicabut ruhnya secara kekal ketika tidur? 
:)

sahabat- sakit itu membawa dua; sama ada mendekat, atau menjauh. seusahalah yang boleh pada takat yang termampu, andaikan pada waktu sihat tak terbuat, buatlah saat ini. mendekatlah, kerna aku yakin tuhan itu memberi ujian atas dasar kasih dan rindu yang setimpal-- kerna cuma pada waktu sakit, waktu susah; kebergantungan kita 100% pada tuhan. kenang sahaja pada waktu waktu kesakitan yang paling, apalah nama yang nama kita rintihkan?
tuhan, aku sakit.
tuhan, kuatkanlah aku.
tuhan-- tuhan-- tuhan--

sebulat diri-- kita berserah untuk penyembuhan dari tuhan. 

sahabat, kita ini merintih-merajuk apa bila ditinggalkan berseorangan tanpa sokongan siapa-siapa, tuhan itu andai merintih-merajuk atas segala silap salah lalai-- apalah ada pada kita sekarang ini? 

((jeda))

aku masih rindu.
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Orgasm.

Underestimate. Really love it when somebody underestimating and judging.
It would be an orgasm for you to know what it really is. Sorry for disappointing you.
Try again!

 P/S : You're dealing with young people. Don't expect that you can underestimate people using your fucking position. Yes you're working now but don't ever pointing finger just because kami belum ada masa depan. We're on our way. God knows my name. I will never forget.
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Redah saja.

Kadang-kadang mungkin Tuhan sengaja biar kau jatuh terhenyak tersungkur seribu kali - supaya bila kau bangun dan berjalan lagi, kau bangkit bukan calang orang.

Semoga bila kau dapat bangun daripada dugaan Dia, takkan ada apa lagi yang tak mampu kau hadap.

Memang susah kadang-kadang nak sangka baik dengan Tuhan. Dan alangkah baiknya jika di saat Dia tiupkan roh ke dalam jasad kita dulu, dia selitkan sekali manual step by step macamana nak harung hidup ni.

Tapi tak ada - so ada pilihan lain ke selain  dihadap saja?

Macam kata kawan sekali dulu; "Tuhan dah bagi kau hidup sebab jalan cerita kau dah ada. Redah aje la."
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Tepi jalan.

Kecewa memang takkan pernah hilang, kecewa manusia selalu diselangi dengan kenangan. Masa aku tengah lemah dari semangat yang hilang, datang seseorang, dia pesan sambil usap-usap rambut, dengan lembut dia cakap "hidup nie kena ada disiplin, rambut kena jaga, sikat bagi nampak kemas, sikat ada?". Aku jawab takda. Dia bagi sikat dia bagi cekak rambut, dia cakap pakai nanti "jaga elok-elok". Dan dia cakap lagi "jangan tunjuk yang kita lemah, nampak tak terurus, nanti orang tahu kita lemah orang pijak kita. Lemah tue biar dalam rumah, luar kena tunjuk kita kuat". Aku senyum aku angguk, aku tertanya-tanya, "kenapa orang yang baru aku kenal boleh elok-elok tegur aku?"

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Owhdhxyjdjehdkoahdd

Received a call from Baba makes me burst into tears. How I miss him. How I miss them. How I miss being surrounded by every each of them whom showing their love in their own ways. How I badly need someone to hug me, right now, in my weakest point. or at least to have somebody sitting here right behind me, just sitting for hours in silence, could be such a relief for me.

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Fuckin' extra

Stressed out. Depressed. I need an extra plus plus plus extra shot of coffee. How I wish I didn't made this stupid decision to came to this fucking place. I just wanna go home. Yes fucking home. Where I can hide and lock myself in my own space and hibernate and shut down and cry myself out loud. Where I don't have to fake a fucking smile to every single person. I just wanna out of this hell. This fucking fucking fucking hell !

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Eyes, nose, lips.

Don’t be sorry,
that makes me more pitiful.
With your pretty red lips,
please hurry, kill me and go.
I’m all right.
Look at me one last time.
Smile like nothing’s wrong,
so when I miss you I can remember.
So I can draw your face in my mind.

My selfishness that couldn’t let you go turned into an obsession that imprisoned you.
Were you hurt because of me?
You sit silently.
Why am I a fool, why can’t I forget you.
You’re already gone.

Your eyes, nose, lips
Your touch that used to touch me,
to the ends of your fingertips.
I can still feel you.
but like a burnt out flame,
burnt and destroyed all of our love
it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory.

Love you, loved you
I must have not been enough
Maybe I could see you just once by coincidence.
Everyday I grow restless,
Everything about you is becoming faint.
You smile back in our pictures,
unknowing of our approaching farewell.

Your black eyes that only saw me.
Your nose that held the sweetest breath.
Your lips that whispered ‘i love you, i love you’...

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Glance.

How I wish to be there with you. Seizing the days and laugh upon the stories we're telling each other. Glancing your face and smile upon it. Looking at you for a couple seconds broke me down, torn apart. If only you know how I miss those hands that never fail to shake my world. I miss you Ajaa.

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Bahu Idaman.

"Kalau saja bahu kamu di sebelah kepala aku, mahu aku pinjam selamanya, biar jadi milikan abadi. Aku lentok di situ, sambil kamu belai aku. Dan dalam bisu, kamu terus saja di situ. Biarkan aku cerita semua kisah gila hari ini dalam sedu-sedan air mata. Penat, Sayang. Penat. Tapi kamu tidak pernah ada. Bahu kamu hanya mimpi paling kejam aku idamkan. Mampu aku hanya dakap selamanya mimpi yang tidak sempurna."

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Am I ?





Through all of her faults.. she somehow completed me.. I guess it was selfishness that kept bringing me back for more.. But hurting me once wasn't enough for her and walking away from me once wasn't enough either.. So am I the selfish one for wanting to make myself feel loved..??
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Pokok Rahsia.

Tahu tak...
Ada satu kepercayaan di zaman purba kala...
Apabila kita ingin menyimpan satu rahsia...
Rahsia yang sungguh berat sekali untuk di simpan...
Mereka yang ingin menyimpan rahsia ini akan mengorek satu lubang di dalam sepohon kayu...
Dan apabila ia sudah di korek...kita bisikkan rahsia itu ke dalam lubang tersebut...
Merepek bukan?

Tapi kadang-kadang...
Dalam hal-hal merepek itulah...
Hati kita mula terhibur...
Hati kita mula terasa ringan...
Hati kita mula rasa senang...

Jadi apa salahnya dengan merepek?
Kalau itu yang boleh buat kita tersenyum...
Kenapa tidak boleh kita beri ianya peluang...

Izinkan daku mengorek satu lubang pada sepohon pokok yang lama...
Dengan harapan biarlah rahsia di hati ini mati bersama dengan pokok tersebut...
Tapi...aku tahu...sekuat mana pun aku cuba menyimpan rahsia tersebut...
Aku tahu..dan kau juga tahu apa rahsia yang sedang ku simpan...
Aku cintakan kau...
Aku sayangkan kau...
Aku masih menunggu kau...
Itulah rahsianya.
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Failed to notice.

We all get torn up, dont we..?? We all get torn up because someone who means so much to us, can just leave.. they can easily walk out of our lives.. it hurt, doesnt it..?? To realize that you didnt mean that much to them.. but what people fail to see is they left for a reason, they dont leave for no reason.. I know, I know how much it can hurt.. why dont you try to put yourself in their place, would you like someone to lead on you..?? Would you like to date someone that you dont even feel the same for anymore..??
No, you wouldnt right..??

Be grateful that something had ever happened, look back and realize how lucky you were to even share something that special with someone..

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6.04 pm

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

"Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep."

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Mental games.

Couldn't sleep tonight, drag me to the mental games. Yeah, I'm Libra's baby and I over-everything. Leading me to downfall lately, over-thinking. 
 I remember months ago, my friend once told me, no matter how, that person will always remain as her first love. I din believe it.
But now on, I started to realize, how hard I try to fit in, I just gonna lose the battle. Yes, "nobody can replace" and I won't try to take that place. No I'm not givin up, just live my life with all I've got. Still got her as my sister. Isn't that bad right :)


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Flaw.

Bila aku gagal menyedari kesilapan aku telah menyelubungi keseluruhan hidup aku, dan bila kau kata semua kesilapan tue telah menyusahkan kau. Yang kau tak mampu tolerate against it, dan sebenarnya kau dah menyerah, bila mana saat aku sedar aku telah pun menyerahkan seluruhnya, jauh lebih awal.

Mungkin aku tak pernah faham dan mensyukuri sebuah nikmat yang dikurniakan sampailah sekarang nikmat itu telah ditarik. Salah satu sebab tangan aku yang kau pegang, kau lepaskan.

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Hurt.


I hurt you.. Didn't I.?? I Hurt you and I don't know why..
Woke up each morning with empty feeling inside.. I realize im not supposed to being this hard.. Cz i know you are here.. Yeah you are right, I can't get enough.. Maybe bcz im scared there will be somebody gonna take that place.. It won't happen right.. pretty sure :)
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Dadah.

After quite some time, gua berjaya tinggalkan pengambilan caffeine for almost three weeks. Percubaan yang berhasil dengan jayanya. Tapi today gua ternoda dek LA coffee haaa such a crap. So untuk hilangkan kesan, gua minum milo bebanyak. Hope gua dapat tidur yang sangat berkualiti.
Gua pernah ter'addict' dengan caffeine nie setahun lepas, kengkonon sebagai ubat stress. Caffeine nie ibarat dadah, bertindak sebagai stimulant tapi if diambil berlebihan boleh stimulates stress hormones yang menyebabkan peningkatan anxiety dan paling buat gua tension, insomnia. Berapa lama gua berjaga malam, did nothing. At last gua sedar yang benda alah nie bukan hilangkan stress tapi menambah tension yang sedia ada. Stay awake at night, over-thinking then siangnya letih tak bermaya.
Frankly speaking, caffeine ialah celaka yang maha. Tapi still, gua mengidam untuk americano coffee. Well, celaka always addictive right.


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One last breakfast.

what more do you want to hear from me?
is there anything you wish to see?
a joke? a laugh? a smile? a cry?
a scream? a song? a lullaby?

see i know we are not who we were
i live in denial, remember?
so please don't ask me to open my eyes
don't wanna wake up and realize--

the honeymoon's over
that i should better
be mature.

i'm sorry i do not know what to say
do understand i'm breaking, but hey
when you tell me that you are leaving
don't think i did not see it coming

see, of course i saw we no longer
having stuff we enjoy together
but can we play along our part
and not parade this change of heart?

are you really sure
that we off better
and over?

what more can i say when you wish to leave today
i wont break down now and burst
but --
would you like to have one last breakfast?
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Suatu Pernah - Fynn Jamal.

habis sudah madah, tak ada satu pun yang tertinggal, setiapnya telah kau ambil dan terus kau jual.
seolah tak pernah memakna apa, seolah tak pernah kau inginkannya, seolah—tak pernah...

dikutipku bila sudi, di bila tidak, dibiar mati.
dan lebih menyakitkan—ku tetap tunggu di tepi jalan.
seperti tak pernah ku ada harga, seperti tak pernah kita bersama, seperti tak pernah kau mahu aku,
--tak pernah rindu--tak pernah rayu.

terlebur hancur, kebal rusukku.
berkecai sepai, terpecah belah.
terima kasih atas ajarmu—--cinta tak wujud--ah, tak pernah.
dan dengarkan jeritku, jujur tak terfitnah,
kau hanya bagiku—suatu yang pernah.

takkan ada apa yang mampu untuk buat kau pulang.
bila sudah tiada rasa—bikinlah apa, tetap kau terbang.
takkanku pujuk kau jangan pergi,takkan ku minta kau fikir lagi.
takkan ku paksa renung semula, takkan ku suruh apa-apa.
takkan ku izin tubuh dibuka, takkan ku pamer reput di dada.
takkan ku rebah, takkan ku goyah, takkan ku biar tubuh didarah.
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