Happiness

Dayang Cafe - 05.01.2017

Thanks Oh Allah ! Bless the food you've provided us and save us from thr punishment of the hellfire. In the name of Allah.

Happy tummy, happy me !

Page 3 out of 365 - knot

Sweethearts forever from beginning to end, my commitment to you will never break or bend. Wear yours, and i'll wear mine. They'll remind us that we're best friend until the end of time. <3

Page 2 out of 365

I wish that we could go back to 2012 when our parents were still together, where the house filled with happiness. 

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe they're real. I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel. </3

Page 1 out of 365

Let 2018 be the year you will finally heal.

The year you will rise above every heartache, sorrow and loss. The year you will mend every battle scar and open wound. The year you will gather all the broken pieces of your heart, of your soul, of your life, putting them altogether and bandaging every crack, until it becomes whole again. Let this be the year you will realize that it’s okay to be broken, to cry, to grieve, but it’s not okay to stay like that forever. Let this year be a year of hope, assurances that there will be better days for you, that there is a joy set before you, after all these mourning. That the sun will rise and the storm will cease, and the aftermath will not be as messy as the calamity but it will be beautiful, it will be a glorious. Let this year be the year you will realize that the ruins are magnificent. Let this year be a year of utter healing. Healing over every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering. A year of regaining all the lost strength and courage, a year of admittance – that we are broken, that we need healing. A year of just taking your time to heal, no matter how slow, as long as you are healing. A year you will no longer fake strength; but just be honest with what’s going on inside you. Let this year be the year you will be whole, again.

Because i'm not a mud of failure exploration. :)

COUNTDOWN

2018 is the year for self-discovery. It is the year for you to figure out what kind of person is hiding inside of you. For you to chase after your career dreams. For you to wander after your wildest ideas. For you to learn to love yourself. For you to grow into the future version of yourself.

Knock.

I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.

Percaya.

Permintaan.

Melepaskan itu tak semudah mengungkapkan. Tuhan.. minta pinjamkan aku eratnya pelukan. *nangis*

Lukisan malam.

“Indah, tetapnya malam ini aku masih melihat wajahmu, sepertinya riang itu milikku dan dalam ceria warna itu, kau seperti sebuah lukisan yang tiada tandingan."

Not to worry, it will go away. It's just your heart messing with your head.

Pathetic.

I wrote these pieces few months back for my future other half because i believe someone will come along the way. how pathetic i am. then i changed my mind, i told myself don't get attached to anyone. again. but right now i really need something to rely on. i'm sick of this lonely air.

Tuhan, kirimkan aku kekasih yang baik hati. Ya ? Aamiin.

Hello.

Hello. Tetiba rasa nak menulis dekat sini tapi banyak rasa malas. That's my biggest problem. So just bagi key point jelah.

1) Baru naik sem baru. Tengah unpacking all my stuff.

2) Am not going out for practicum this semester.

3) Taking two subjects this semester. I thought only got two classes in a week and i will be able to go back to my parent's every week but, four classes. Still, i will stick to the plan. No excuse for that.

4) Just met this one girl, and she's a stranger. Came to us, with no smile in her face and as soon as we started to talk, we know she got a problem. She told us her story from the beginning as she started to cry so hard. I was all quiet, speechless, because i don't know how to comfort her, what i've got only these arms of mine, held her tight, let her cry in these fucking arms and whispered to not to give up now because the future always holds something better but hell no, i just kept staring at that poor girl. You know what, it's all because the word of FRIENDSHIP that broke her that much.

5) Feeling a bit sad because it's going to be Elly and me, dekat rumah nie. Sorang keluar practicum, dua orang defer. Sunyi gila nak mati.

6) Rindu Umie Baba. dan adik.

Itu saja dulu. Bye.

Lies - Marina and the Diamond

You're too proud to say that you've made a mistake, you're a coward 'til the end.

Misleading

*holding a picture of polluted beach during pre-stage*

-- Okay student, where is this ?

-- Beach !

-- What can you see in this picture ?

-- Rubbish !

-- Who did this ?

-- Bitch !

Haih lah lil' monkeys.

exhausted.

I love it when every time i talk on the phone, people would say " you sounds so tired". Because i am. I am goddamn bloody tired.

* I haven't showered not eaten my brunch, woke up and back to the work place (read : study table)

Spark.

When we settle for the things we don't deserve, we're not only ruining ourselves, we're robbing our future of true love. Love gets lost when feelings are forced, and love already has enough detours that we don't need to make any more wrong turns. Allow love to happen  naturally and unexpectedly even if it takes longer than planned. Trust me, the spark between two humans does exist. Let it happen.You can't always be in control. You can't just give love a date and time, and expect it show up at your doorstep. Love doesn't happen that way. Love will show up when it's ready and most importantly when it's real. 

Flip-flop.

I am done trying to prove myself. I no longer need to impress anyone or go out of my way to constantly explain myself to some one who doesn't care enough to want to understand me. There is a lot of stress that comes along with someone not accepting who you are.If you don't understand by now what loyalty and honesty are, especially when i take my time to try and teach you, I'm sorry, but you aren't worth my time. I don't need a lack of love, i need lots of it. I don't need someone who smiles in my face , then talk behind my back.I don't need people who bring me down. I need people who lift me higher and bring out the best in me. Even if i have a love in my heart for you, if you treat me poorly i no longer have time for you. If you're mad at me, communicate with me, not others, and let's fix this. The people who really rock with me know that my intentions are always pure. As for all the other flip-flopping people.... Well, they could go befriend somebody else.


P/s : hectic semester ever.

Applause.

Let's keep it real for a minute. You can cheat on me, as easily as i can cheat on you. In this generation, that's the easiest shit to do. Doesn't take nothing but a "DM", and they don't even care if they see me posted up in a picture with you. However, being open up, and true is what i decided to be when i committed myself to you. So, let's keep it really real. This is what i'm asking from you. If at some point in time i'm not fulfilling your needs, let me know. Give me the option to decide whether i want to stay and try, or do what's best for me, even if that means to let it go. Don't let your selfish ways, get in the way of doing what's right. Because no matter how you paint it, cheating is never alright....

The chase.

Most people have a hard time finding what they're looking for in someone. Because a majority of the time, they're always looking for it in a person who isn't looking for them. As humans, we find allure in the things that seems hard to get. We love "the chase". Only to find out later you've wasted hours, weeks, sometimes even months chasing someone who can't even begin to appreciate you, or the type of love you're offering. Being mature is not just about paying your bills, or being independent. It's also about respecting your love, respecting your time, and respecting what you bring to the table enough to know that you're too grown, and have way too much to offer for you to have to chase anyone worth experience that.

Sparkle.

A diamond doesn't lose its value because someone stopped appreciating it, or admiring the rarity of its beautiful sparkle. Neither does your love when he stops appreciating you. Remember, not everyone can offered a diamond. That's why they made cubic zirconia.

Not everyone can afford something real. You gotta be okay with that. Remember this, in those moments when you're looking at someone who cheated on you with a person who can't compete with you on your worst day.... Don't let something like that have you questioning the quality of your love. Don't strip away your value by lowering your standards to meet someone else's phony ass excuse what love should be. Keep your head up, and keep it moving.


*cubic zirconia : fake inexpensive diamond.

Against ?

What they say is indeed true, you realise the value of the ones around you only when they leave. The instant you realise that you no longer can be with all those beloved friends of yours who is just as good as family, that is when you realise how much you love them and how much you care for them. You never knew that you were so dependent on them until one fine day, when they were all taken away from you. At that moment, you just wish you could have them all back and you are ready to do anything to have them back. But fate is a cruel thing. It plays around with your emotions and always drops obstacles in your path to hinder you from having what you want. Can we fight fate and have what we want?

Cerita kampungan.

They all are going to judge you anyway, whether you are thin or fat, whether you are fair or not, whether your dressing sense is fashionable or not, whether you have class or not, whether your hair is messy or not, whether you are pompous or not, whether you are friendly or not, whether you are helpful or not and the list goes on and on for every girl out there and no matter how hard we try to portray our best, at the end of the day, they all have judged you at least once with regard to something, so why put in so much effort to impress people with such a mindset? Might as well be ourselves and be the person we want to be no matter what that looks likes to the eyes of this world for each one of us have our own lives and it would be in everyone’s best interest to simply focus on what needs to be focused on and keep our noses out of everyone else’s business. 
Why is that it is always expected of girls to dress to impress? Okay not always, but there are many occasions when I have been faced with such situations which has made me feel very inadequate about myself and my sense of uncoordinated dressing for everyone around me looked like divas right out of a photo shoot for some modelling magazine and there I was, looking like I had just come after a wrestling session with a bunch of rhinos in the wild. 
I admit, there are situations when you need to dress appropriately and I guess even I make an effort during such times except that there are many more females like me out there who miserably fail to pull off something with elegance like everyone else and then we just end up making a fool out of ourselves which is why we either avoid the entire event completely or even if we decide to face it, we be ourselves for simply trying to match up to the standards of whatever is going is not our cup of tea at times. And then there are times when we simply cannot look refined in anything because we are blessed with the “clumsy” genes that is never going to leave our side for eternity and the best we can do is try not to speak with our mouths full.
I am a talking-walking example of someone who has a totally different sense of fashion and all that but never actually had the opportunity to dress in the manner I wanted to and then never could pull off something stylish with anything I owned for I was just too clumsy and almost every item of clothing I own happen to have a stain of some sort be it a pen mark or a curry stain but a stain it is and to end this flattering description of myself I would simply like to mention the ever-so-messy and weird hair of mine which obviously looks picture perfect when I am about to sleep and looks like a witch blessed me with the hair I have when I am about to step out of the house. 
So bottom line is, I know for a fact that there are people out there, who just like me are hopeless when it comes to being lady like and all that stuff, so to those wonderful human beings, all I want to say is don’t give a damn about what others say no matter who they might be for the world is never ever going to stop judging you and you continue being the awesome soul you are and continue to be messy and un-elegant as you want and don’t worry about not finding Mr. Right just because you think you are faulty for each one of us has someone destined for us and we shall meet them at the right time and place and when we do they shall fall head over heels for us and accept us just the way we are. Until then, be original and simply enjoy life for what it is while ignoring all the pessimism and bullying around you for none of that is worth your time and energy.

Advises.

When you are upset and then people ask whether you are alright and you say yes but then it’s pretty evident that you are not alright from the way your voice croaked when just tried to keep it together and answer calmly. So then they ask again whether you are fine and then you just cannot even attempt to answer because you know that the very next second you do, there will be an onset of a cascade of tears which will be very hard to control. So then you remain silent and they figure out that their suspicion was right. Then comes the tough part because they assume it’s about something that is entirely not related about what is going on in your mind or they ask what is it about and you lie because you don’t want to talk to them about it because they are not the right person to open up to and you cannot give them the silent treatment because you don’t want to be rude. So then they begin to advise you about life and it’s ways and all that, basically they tell you everything you already know and even if the actual problem was what they assumed it to be, they keep saying all the wrong things that is never going to help you out because you think very much differently from them but you cannot ask them to stop because once again you don’t want to be rude and it’s actually not their fault either because they are just trying to help and then it reaches the point where they still keep saying the very same thing you do not want to hear of when you are upset and that infuriates you but you cannot express that because they don’t deserve that. And then there is no polite way to even ask them to shut up and leave you alone so you just have to nod your head and go along with everything they say and then pretend to be happy or positive or whatever. I don’t know about other people but this is what usually happens to me and this is the main reason I always pretend to not be worried about anything because every time someone catches me upset, this is the exact thing that happens. They care for me but they don’t know me so though they are trying to be helpful, the situation just keeps getting worst. All of this happens because each one of us interpret stuff differently so it is pretty tough to try to console or advise someone or to be the one receiving all that advise.

Damailah.

Aku rindu orang-orang tua dalam hidup aku.

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Al-fatihah untuk yang telah lama pergi dan untuk jiwa sendiri.

Memory lane.

I wish memory don't fade overtime. I hate how i kept forgetting about everything and everyone... like they only exist in a faint dream i had. No matter how hard i tried keeping them alive through my memory alone, i know they will fade away, just like how i did. When one day, when i meet all of them, would they forgive me for forgetting ? Would i forgive them for doing the same ? I just want them to know that i tried. I really did.

I’m trying to be perfect. I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to be what you want. I’m trying to be beautiful. I’m trying to fit everyone’s standards. I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m dying. But you don’t even know. Everyone don't even know.

We always seem to forget that everything is temporary. I mean, yeah okay, it crosses our minds once in a while and we might do something daring and out of our comfort zone but when that moment passes, it gets stored away in the back of our minds and we continue living our lives as if there are plenty of tomorrows waiting for us. We postpone our feelings and words to another day, another week, another month, another year. Everything is temporary. Forever is an empty promise.

Just like you mistook lust for love, you have mistaken being alone with loneliness. So I'm fine. Thank you for asking.

Hollow space.

--- tahu apa yang paling menakutkan tentang perihal berdua ?
--- yang ketiga ?
--- bukan. yang enggan menerima.

Analogy.

Akan ada satu masa, kau mahu bercerita. Tapi tak terluah pada sesiapa atau apa-apa. Dan kau hanya menulis dalam kias yang berjuta.

Invisible.

Maybe this ain't love but darling, just stay with me. For a moment. Let me understand more of your flaws and more of your beauty and you'll do the same so stay with me. 

Entri positif.

 Ajar diri untuk Husnudzon. Berbaik sangkalah kepada Allah.  Allah tak turunkan hujan kalau bukan sebab Dia nak anugerahkan pelangi yang indah. :)

Painful Eternity.

Am I impatient? I guess. I am dumb. Just now I told myself I have found my fire but every time,it wavers like a candles which light is often flickering. It hurts. The candle is burning me and lighten my path at the same time. 

Gelap malam.

I didn't feel very well lately, sort of something getting worse day by day. I don't know why, is it because i realized that i don't achieve any self-improvement through out these years or over-thinking has been lead me into this ?

If you want to know your true strength, dare yourself to do something different, they said. Have you ever try to do something out of your habits, but at last the result are doom, and you know that's not what you're suppose to get. You got so frustrated and the people around keep blaming you, as they started to compare you to the others and judging you for the way you are.

well, you guys should be clear on something i guess. i chose to be here, the fucking place where i don't even have a flash of. i DO have a doubt but things happen, i can't keep blaming myself for my own choice. back to past 2 years ago, what do you expect from eighteen years old girl, disuruh untuk belajar di tempat yang dia lansung tiada keinginan, dalam erti kata lain takde hati pun nak belajaq kat situ. dekat sana dia rasa takde life, tak nampak apa yang dia nak capai, kosong. haa kan senang nak explain. 

i've failed once, and that was my biggest mistake i ever did in life, which i disobey my parent's urge and decided to came to this place. i will do my best to make it right, even Thomas Edison only succeed through out thousands trial. things happen for a reason, right ? now i know what i want to achieve in the next 10 years and what i want to achieve by the time i'm 30, insya Allah. I will be brave, and i put my trust on Him. i won't step back because i know He will grant my dream.

*baru lepas unpacked. Suddenly Melody (si kecik housemate) came in and asked me where will my first date be at ? The zoo, of course. Then, coffee. 

Story of us.

There was a time when I said I love you,
Through thick and thin, this I swear stays true,
I gave up the world just for a second to be with you,
Now I wish I didn't do that, because you never said "I love you too".

Gave up my dreams so you can haunt me every night.
Gave up my worldly possessions, as long as I have you, it's alright.
Gave up my best of friends, now different ways we are apart.
Just to give you my heart, and you tore it apart.

It's taking so long to mend the broken pieces.
It's hard when every little thing make me reminisce.
I wish I can stop asking the question of what ifs,
Baby steps I take, hoping someday I'll find my peace.

Such is my reality, series of sad irrationality.
Who would have thought that this love would be my finality?

Please release me from your hook I beg from you.
Stop giving me clues; I tend to have meanings misconstrued.
There's nothing left in me, I assure you.
All the best of me were destroyed by you.

Now that our love has ended,
My heart is yet to be mended.

There was a time when I said I love you
Through thick and thin, what I swore stayed true
Until you left me out of the blue
That's when I realize you've never, and won't ever love me too.

- http://sigaretperisakafein.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-story-of-us.html?m=1 -

Masa lampau.

Mujahadah.

Allah..... mujahadah itu pahit kerna syurga itu manis.....

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Bolehkah golongan kita berkahwin? Punya zuriat, hidup dijalan yang Allah redha?

Jawapan aku, yang juga kudapat dari seorang kawan.

Tiada yang mustahil bagi Allah.

Pertamanya, tinggalkan kekasih mu yang tidak diiktiraf dunia dan akhirat. Jangan beralasan tanggungjawab kerana kawan. Bila sahaja kau pernah merasakan dia lelaki mu atau dia isterimu itu tandanya kau di jalan yang tidak benar. Tinggalkan dia. Maaf, keras ayatku.  Tapi, untuk apa aku berlapik lagi, sampai bila?

Keduanya, lengkapkan solat dan aurat. Usaha, usaha hingga mati.

Ketiga, cari ilmu, dengan ilmu kau akan semakin dekat dengan tuhan dan orang-orang yang baik.

Cukup, buat tiga ini dulu. Inshaallah kau akan temui yang lain. Andai salah satu langkah ini kau gagal istiqamah, atau tidak buat, tapi terusan meroyan akan nasibmu, akan jodohmu, akan rumitnya hidupmu..tandanya kau yang memilih itu semua. Kau yang memilih engkar.

note: Dalam 3 peringkat ini kau akan menderita, tapi yakinlah Allah bersama orang-orang yang berjuang.

- http://malaikatsisigelap.blogspot.com/2014/08/engkar-mungkir.html?m=1

Pengakuan ke-sejuta kali.

Ya, ini pengakuan yang ke sejuta kalinya. Aku pernah dan masih cintakan dia yang telah pergi meninggalkan. Mustahil bukan ? Yah... tapi mana mungkin aku lupakan cinta pertama. Segalanya yang pertama.

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Terjaga dari lena bersama mimpi tentang dia bersama yang baru datang melawat di tempat belajar. Kelihatan sangat bahagia. 

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Aku tahu mereka sangat bahagia. Aku juga turut mendoakan kebahagian kalian berdua. Cukuplah cinta memisahkan teman baik. Beradulah bersama bidadarimu :)

Fix you.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I will try to fix you

TigaDalamSatu

theme blog yang entah apa-apa. sendiri tengok pun pening. disaster. ya ya lepas final aku tukar balik. janji. jangan membebel lagi okay ? #muahciked kah kah kah

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baru lepas jalan jauh keliling campus semata-mata untuk duit. dan..... atm rosak so terus menghala ke library. apa kau gelak ? aku memang rajin. haiyya ala' najah kawan :)

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kekasih yang dulu hilang kini dia telah kembali pulang. akan ku bawa dia terbang damai bersama bintang *nyanyi-nyanyi*

semalam aku pergi join theater Princess Sofia under pre-school students. Dan aku nampak se-sosok tubuh sama sebijik dengan "suatu yang pernah". nahhh betullah ada tujuh orang yang sama dalam dunia nie. *senyum* tapi tak tegur pun. malas nak bergaul. anddddd ya know what ? dia orang sekampung dengan aku, ( hasil dari stalk beliau punya insta) . *fliptudung*

Petua.

Petua orang dolu-dolu, kalau nak dijauhkan dari sebarang bala, pakai "anak" terbalik. Jadi harinie, aku cuba. Semoga tak kena kondem gila-gila. Aminnnnnn.

Tenuk.

3.11am, wed.

Seminggu lebih saja lagi untuk final yet still got 5 assignments to be submitted. Dan.... petang nanti micro teaching. Mampuslah.

Goodbye my lover.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Battle scars.

Wounds heals but scars don't fade. They tells untold stories and pains. Battle scars will never change nor fade. They'll stay there to remind you what and with you were once.

One night stand.

Malam kedua. Berseorangan di bilik hotel. Kegersangan belaian kasih sayang.

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Baca : selama dua malam terpaksa berseorangan di bilik hotel. Parents di bilik hadapan dan sisters bros di bilik paling hujung. Jadi aku fe-feeling like a slave. Kah kah kah macam celaka statement tersebut. Selamat malam !

Goodbye.

Where did you go, the you who just passed me by and left?

Are you doing fine, at a place without me by your side?

Hoping you’ll come back, the times I’ve waited for you

I’ll let it go now, I’ll forget you now

The beautiful times we had, they’re all memories now

The tears I shed when I missed you like crazy

Hoping you’ll come back, time stood stagnant

I’ll let you go and leave now, goodbye

Couldn’t you find it, the road that leads back to me?

Should I wait a little while more, should I wait here a little longer?

Hoping you’ll come back, I waited all this while

I’ll let it go now, I’ll end it for real

My love for you that I held on so tightly, is slowly dissipating

The me that went crazy missing you, is gradually changing

Hoping you’ll come back, time has stood stagnant

I should erase it all now, for real

My love, it ends right here, this never-ending yearning

Stuck in my throat, I couldn’t say it

Those heartbreaking words of parting

All my beautiful memories of you, it’s leaving me right now

Like falling tears, my love is slowly dissipating

The me that went crazy missing you, is gradually changing

Hoping you’ll come back, time stood stagnant

I should erase it now, for real

Should erase it now,

I should forget you now, goodbye

Final countdown.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead".

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Selamat ulang tahun yang ke-dua, sendiri.

Posisi.

Mungkin jatuh pada tempat yang salah.

Knot.

I will shine.

I won't be afraid to open up again. i know not everyone will love me with a knife on their back.

Confession.

Scrolling up and down facebook timeline. Tiba-tiba terbaca post dari poems porn "I'm so sorry to all the people i hurt while i was hurting." Mengingatkan aku pada orang-orang yang pernah dan sedang hadir dalam hidup. Means to say that mereka still ada dari dulu sampai sekarang. Tak pernah lari walau aku banyak sembunyi diri. So i'm thinking about updating this spider-space (baca ikut kefahaman masing-masing) (ruang lelabah, mungkin? Kah kah kah) sebab cliche orang yang lama tak update blog akan cakap "dah bersawang blog ini". Okay dah.

And yeah, deep inside, i'm so sorry for those i hurt, unintentionally. I got so much complain from them "you're so hard to reach" , "sombong dah dia" so on. But hey people, there comes a times when i don't feel like talking to anyone, i refuse to replying texts and answering phone calls. It's like i'm going back to the old me, past few years ago which i lived in my own world.

Aku tahu mereka sedikit terkesan dengan sikap aku nie. This evening one of them text me, asking am i lose my interest of befriending her sebab dah tak layan whatsapp semua. No it's not that aku dah tak nak berkawan, aku just keep my distance, tak nak dekat sangat dan tak nak jauh sangat. The same thing i did to the others. I needed so much comfort that i didn't notice i'm transfering the pain to others. But one thing i will do when i'm ready to hu-ha-hu-ha again, i will text them and cari and bagi friendship bracelet. I will. Boleh request color lagi. Heee (Sebab saya dah pandai buat dragon scale bracelet without referring to that particular youtube videos muehehehehe)

Hermmm.... i think one of them, gonna read this post since we got the same interest into girl. Eh terrrrsasul. Into blogwalking and puisi. So i think post nie adalah jawapan kepada your "moi, mana pergi" , "are you avoiding me" , "moi, saya rindu".

Sekian. Selamat malam.

Feeling sarcastic.

No one deserves to be hurt ? Eleh cakap pom pang pom pang sana sini nasihat orang. Yet you're the one who throw the shit behind someone's wall. Hehhh.

Kimchi.

Menapak ke restoran korea bersama dua orang bodyguard. Lepas place order, semua leka dengan smart phone dan gadget masing-masing. Antisocial. *diam*

----------------------------

15 minit kemudian.

Hot korean tea yang diminta sampai. Have a sip. Sambung scroll up and down. Makan sayur jeruk yang dihantar terlebih dulu sebelum yang lain.

----------------------------

Tiba-tiba sekumpulan manusia seramai 9 orang menyerbu sambil menyanyikan lagu 'Happy Birthday'. Sejurus kemudian terdengar lagu selamat hari jadi versi korea yang dimainkan oleh salah seorang pekerja restoran.

*nangis* ------- Sebab sayur jeruk pedas sangat.

27 sept.

Umur makin bertambah.
Pengisian hidup? Jiwa?
Tahap mana?
Ikut bertambah, atau makin berkurang?
Dah jumpa apa yang dicari?
Atau masih tercari2?

Muhasabah diri.

Selamat hari lahir, D.

Berhenti.

Bukan aku putus asa,
Cuma aku takut dan sedih.

Atau juga penat, mungkin.

Benarnya

Sakit itu bukan melepaskan sesuatu pergi, tapi melepaskan sesuatu yang tak akan kembali.

Fuck

There's so much things going through my mind. So much things that I wanted out of my head. But why couldn't I let it out? Why can't my mouth open up to let me scream it? I wanted to yell but my mouth won't let me. Instead of saying it, I hid it. I faked it. Showing to everyone that I'm fine. And now, I wanted to cry. Even my eyes won't let me. The stress, the pressure and everything. And I faked it all. So that no one can see what I felt. Now not even my mask can fool anyone. I wanted to let it all out. I wanted to let everyone know but I couldn't bring myseld to do so. But then, I only hurt myself more than ever.

Selamat malam.

Mudahan.

I never get the chance to say 'goodbye'. So goodbye and hopefully, if we ever meet again, my heart won't skip a beat anymore. 

Ameen.......

Mudahan.

I never get the chance to say 'goodbye'. So goodbye and hopefully, if we ever meet again, my heart won't skip a beat anymore. 

Ameen.......

Leaf.

Sometimes I sat here and wonder for a brief moment if only we didn't go our separate ways, we would still be together and I might still be telling myself it's alright to live on with the pain and insecurities as long as you're with me. That it's worth enduring all of that as long as we're together. I used to think we're different from other people. That you meant when you said you don't know what you'll do if we just crumbled just like that but in the end, we're the same as other people. But maybe that's my fault too. I didn't regret what happened but if I could go back, then maybe I would undo what fate was written but in this lifetime, love is a big illusion. I will live the rest of my life with the memories you gave but I also don't want to fade from your memories just like that because to me, you're still my other half. Yet to realize that you're the "other's" half now, make me fall to the ground.

My cup of tea

Accepting how certain things are meant to be to let go in a sudden, no matter how long you hold on to it dearly.

Burn

Kau boleh pergi jauh sekarang. Jangan pernah curah apa-apa harapan palsu lagi. Kerna dengan harapan palsu itu, aku akan bangkit mendabik dada.

Ya benar tapi itu hanyalah sementara. Dan akhirnya, aku akan tersedu-sedu tangis mengadu sama bintang.

Moga kau bahagia. Ini serangkap ikhlas dari aku.

BNGMWR.

Mesej untuk hati selesai dihantar. Bahagia kamu turut aku serta rasa. Tetap aku doakan yang sama. Tapi maaf, sayang. 

Maaf kerna aku tangiskan kau, masih.

Sleepless solitude

*Buka pintu bilik 2*

*Buka pintu bilik 3*

Lihat dalam samar cahaya. Setiap mereka ada gaya tidur tersendiri yang menarik hati. Sangat comel. *Senyum*

-----------------------

Jika Tuhan tidak bersama aku, aku berharap Tuhan bersama kalian. Paling tidak, bilamana aku bersama kalian, aku tahu aku hampir pada Dia.
 

Chin up.

Chin up, wipe these tears away and face the world young lady. Some people are so manipulative but always remember what your religion teached you, "be kind to everyone and everything. "

Hold breath, count to ten.

*What i've done by Linkin Park on repeat


---------------------


After so long. This fight seems to reach a dead end. Got to know that she now with someone else make me feel numb. Got to know that she now isn't all by her own make me shed into tears, after all of these time i tried to hold back the roll of thunder in me. 


---------------------


*tepuk-tepuk bahu sendiri. semoga tenang nanti.

Titik semalam.

Ada perkara yang kau mampu fikir sedalam dan selama mana kau mahu, tapi sikit pun kau tak mampu berbuat apa-apa. Perkara yg kita panggil semalam.

---------------------------

Sejauh mana aku cuba menidakkan semua, aku gagal untuk kali yang entah ke-berapa. Aku penat. Aku nak tidur. Selamat malam kesayangan.

Judgemental.

semua orang ada cara berfikir masing-masing. dan tak salah sebagai manusia kita hormati cara orang berfikir. semuanya bersebab.

mungkin pada kita nampak bodoh tapi tidak pada dia. mungkin juga pada seorang budak tingkatan dua menggedik itu comel, tapi pada orang lain memualkan. dia ada sebab,dia menggedik sebab dia mahu tarik perhatian cikgu kacak. kalau dia tak gedik cikgu itu sedar tak kewujudan dia?

kesimpulannya,kalau suka timbangkan buruk baik. kalau tak suka jangan dicemuh-cemuh sebab kita tak tahu apa yang akan berlaku esok hari. itu rahsia Tuhan. Dia simpan kejap.

lemas.

tenggelam di dalam timbunan journals dan buku. ahhh, kan senang kalau semua boleh goreng saja.

*gambar tiada kaitan*

marah

Tulisan emo. aura negatif. tapi seriously aku marah. aku minta maaf kalau bahasanya tidak elok berbaur bongkak. kedengaran seperti akulah manusia paling sempurna. sungguh, aku tak tahu nak luahkan dengan cara lain. aku minta maaf.
tapi aku sebal, rasa sebak.

aku tak pandai buat muka kalau orang tue tak lagi sebati dengan aku. kebiasaannya aku hanya akan senyum. ekspresi aku akan dipenuhi dengan senyuman. marah pun senyum? that's me. even aku senyum masa aku cakap tak mahu, jangan, tak nak, tak nak lah, i really mean it. sekali dua aku boleh tolerate. tapi kalau tak nak aku selalu di-ignore,aku jadi sebal. aku tak suka marah-marah sebab aku fikir ruang dan keadaan akan jadi awkward lepas aku elok. tapi tak bererti kau boleh buat suka hati kau. aku tak nak bersebab. bukan sesuka hati aku. 

I know i'm bad. bak kata kau, aku selalu di tempat terakhir bila aku berada di kalangan orang baik-baik. tapi tak bermaksud kau boleh jaja aku. kalau aku lembik, jangan kau tegakkan aku. kalau aku dependent, kau tak boleh sorong tarik aku. and jangan over-generalize aku. sejukkan aku bukan seperti sejukkan dia. aku dengan dia sama secara fisiknya. tapi aku dan dia bernama lain. kau rasa kau cukup kenal aku. kau rasa aku mudah. sorry, i'm not fully open up to you.

Memories ?

Lingers but fading.......

"sahabat, ini perihal sakit" - diod pemancar cahaya.

semenjak jatuh sakit, ada perkara-perkara membataskan aku untuk menghadap. aku mulai rindu nak menghadap. aku melewati waktu-waktu, namun masih tuhan itu maha penuh dengan sifat ar-rahim, menyembuh aku sedikit demi sedikit. tiap kali keterlewatan aku bangun, aku kira-kira entah beberapa kali mungkin malaikat maut menjenguk, namun dengan izin tuhan, masih mampu bernafas dan melewati waktu-waktu itu seperti biasa dalam keadaan sakit ini. berapa pula orang yang dicabut ruhnya secara kekal ketika tidur? 
:)

sahabat- sakit itu membawa dua; sama ada mendekat, atau menjauh. seusahalah yang boleh pada takat yang termampu, andaikan pada waktu sihat tak terbuat, buatlah saat ini. mendekatlah, kerna aku yakin tuhan itu memberi ujian atas dasar kasih dan rindu yang setimpal-- kerna cuma pada waktu sakit, waktu susah; kebergantungan kita 100% pada tuhan. kenang sahaja pada waktu waktu kesakitan yang paling, apalah nama yang nama kita rintihkan?
tuhan, aku sakit.
tuhan, kuatkanlah aku.
tuhan-- tuhan-- tuhan--

sebulat diri-- kita berserah untuk penyembuhan dari tuhan. 

sahabat, kita ini merintih-merajuk apa bila ditinggalkan berseorangan tanpa sokongan siapa-siapa, tuhan itu andai merintih-merajuk atas segala silap salah lalai-- apalah ada pada kita sekarang ini? 

((jeda))

aku masih rindu.

Berserah saja

The end.

Days will pass, and you will give up things you were addicted to,
You will leave someone, you will cancel a dream, and finally, you will accept a reality.

Orgasm.

Underestimate. Really love it when somebody underestimating and judging.
It would be an orgasm for you to know what it really is. Sorry for disappointing you.
Try again!

P/S : You're dealing with young people. Don't expect that you can underestimate people using your fucking position. Yes you're working now but don't ever pointing finger just because kami belum ada masa depan. We're on our way. God knows my name. I will never forget.

Sincerely.

Don't bother to talk to me. Go fuck yourself.

Everytime we touch.

Direction-less

I stopped telling myself that i'm lost.

I'm not.

I'm on a road with no destination, i'm just driving with hope that i'll find a place that i like and i'll stay there.

I'm not lost, i'm on my way.

Redah saja.

Kadang-kadang mungkin Tuhan sengaja biar kau jatuh terhenyak tersungkur seribu kali - supaya bila kau bangun dan berjalan lagi, kau bangkit bukan calang orang.

Semoga bila kau dapat bangun daripada dugaan Dia, takkan ada apa lagi yang tak mampu kau hadap.

Memang susah kadang-kadang nak sangka baik dengan Tuhan. Dan alangkah baiknya jika di saat Dia tiupkan roh ke dalam jasad kita dulu, dia selitkan sekali manual step by step macamana nak harung hidup ni.

Tapi tak ada - so ada pilihan lain ke selain  dihadap saja?

Macam kata kawan sekali dulu; "Tuhan dah bagi kau hidup sebab jalan cerita kau dah ada. Redah aje la."

Puas.

Bahagia celaka-babikan aku ? Segala sial dikata aku yang bawa. Aku yang di-cari, di-kutip lantas di-sial-kan. Untuk apa sebenarnya?

no tittle.

"That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled, accepted - someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking."

Tepi jalan.

Kecewa memang takkan pernah hilang, kecewa manusia selalu diselangi dengan kenangan. Masa aku tengah lemah dari semangat yang hilang, datang seseorang, dia pesan sambil usap-usap rambut, dengan lembut dia cakap "hidup nie kena ada disiplin, rambut kena jaga, sikat bagi nampak kemas, sikat ada?". Aku jawab takda. Dia bagi sikat dia bagi cekak rambut, dia cakap pakai nanti "jaga elok-elok". Dan dia cakap lagi "jangan tunjuk yang kita lemah, nampak tak terurus, nanti orang tahu kita lemah orang pijak kita. Lemah tue biar dalam rumah, luar kena tunjuk kita kuat". Aku senyum aku angguk, aku tertanya-tanya, "kenapa orang yang baru aku kenal boleh elok-elok tegur aku?"

Another hdkdnidjdbrh

You left me hanging. Twice. And that hurts the most. And now I realized, I'm just a mere backup.

Illusion

Humans always created an illusion made for themselves. For their needs, for their desires, for their happiness, for their satisfaction and most of all, for the sake of throwing away the pain and sorrow they have deep inside.

Owhdhxyjdjehdkoahdd

Received a call from Baba makes me burst into tears. How I miss him. How I miss them. How I miss being surrounded by every each of them whom showing their love in their own ways. How I badly need someone to hug me, right now, in my weakest point. or at least to have somebody sitting here right behind me, just sitting for hours in silence, could be such a relief for me.

Fuckin' extra

Stressed out. Depressed. I need an extra plus plus plus extra shot of coffee. How I wish I didn't made this stupid decision to came to this fucking place. I just wanna go home. Yes fucking home. Where I can hide and lock myself in my own space and hibernate and shut down and cry myself out loud. Where I don't have to fake a fucking smile to every single person. I just wanna out of this hell. This fucking fucking fucking hell !

Eyes, nose, lips.

Don’t be sorry,
that makes me more pitiful.
With your pretty red lips,
please hurry, kill me and go.
I’m all right.
Look at me one last time.
Smile like nothing’s wrong,
so when I miss you I can remember.
So I can draw your face in my mind.

My selfishness that couldn’t let you go turned into an obsession that imprisoned you.
Were you hurt because of me?
You sit silently.
Why am I a fool, why can’t I forget you.
You’re already gone.

Your eyes, nose, lips
Your touch that used to touch me,
to the ends of your fingertips.
I can still feel you.
but like a burnt out flame,
burnt and destroyed all of our love
it hurts so much, but now I’ll call you a memory.

Love you, loved you
I must have not been enough
Maybe I could see you just once by coincidence.
Everyday I grow restless,
Everything about you is becoming faint.
You smile back in our pictures,
unknowing of our approaching farewell.

Your black eyes that only saw me.
Your nose that held the sweetest breath.
Your lips that whispered ‘i love you, i love you’...

Lintasan hati.

Lintasan hati boleh jadi satu doa kan ? Sebab doa tue sendiri adalah harapan. Moga Tuhan perkenankan.

Weak spot.

She's my weak spot. The one thing that will always bring me to my knees, regardless of how strong I think I am.

Glance.

How I wish to be there with you. Seizing the days and laugh upon the stories we're telling each other. Glancing your face and smile upon it. Looking at you for a couple seconds broke me down, torn apart. If only you know how I miss those hands that never fail to shake my world. I miss you Ajaa.

Past.

Can we go back to the time it was me and you? Probably not. But just thought you know... those are one of the things I wished for so badly.

Mungkin kurang mengerti -Lord Zara-

http://www.shafaza-zara.my/2012/10/awak-mungkin-kurang-mengerti.html?m=1

Dia belajar melupakan -Lord Zara-

http://www.shafaza-zara.my/2013/01/awak-dia-belajar-melupakan.html?m=1

Awak bukan bersama. -Lord Zara-

http://www.shafaza-zara.my/2013/02/awak-bukan-bersama.html?m=1

:)

When you find yourself no longer lovable, I hope you remember, that I will be waiting for you with the same love in my heart.

Di luar kemampuan.

I can turn you into poetry, but I can't make you love me.

No tittle

Diam bukan lupa. Cuma keliru. Selamat pagi kesayangan.

Erti kejujuran.

"sebuah kejujuran itu kau akan dapati saat-saat kau di-khianati oleh mereka yang kau sayangi." #embunkarina #puisiSM

Nyata.

  But the reality..??

" I'm your worst nightmare. "

Sampai nanti.

kita sering berdua.
namun sampai satu titik simpang,
kau kiri aku kanan. pecah dua.

tak apa, nanti berjaya kita jumpa semula ya ?

Still believe.

Cabang.

perlahan, kita berjalan menjauh dari persimpangan. tapi sepasang kakimu, tetap mengarah pada perpisahan.

Sedih sedih sedih.

Just came back from Mr.Bakri's room. I miss Ajaa like seriously :(

Don't ask.

Because feelings never fade.

Mimpi Sedih.

Last night I dreamt of you. Bring me somewhere, sitting in front of each other, don't even see your smile. At one point, you tried to hold my hand. But when your fingertips touched mine, you turned away and leave. Is it a sign that my hand that you hold, you gonna let go.

..........

dan aku makin jauh berjalan, tapi langkah aku masih tak punya tujuan. dan kau datang, tinggalkan aku bersama petunjuk dan kenangan.

Erti sebenar.

Digenggam, untuk dilepaskan. 

Izinkan aku.

"Jika diizinkan, aku mahu peluk kamu kejap dan kuat. Aku tidak mahu lepas sampai bila-bila."

Bahu Idaman.

"Kalau saja bahu kamu di sebelah kepala aku, mahu aku pinjam selamanya, biar jadi milikan abadi. Aku lentok di situ, sambil kamu belai aku. Dan dalam bisu, kamu terus saja di situ. Biarkan aku cerita semua kisah gila hari ini dalam sedu-sedan air mata. Penat, Sayang. Penat. Tapi kamu tidak pernah ada. Bahu kamu hanya mimpi paling kejam aku idamkan. Mampu aku hanya dakap selamanya mimpi yang tidak sempurna."

Kotak.

When your scents is all over the place, and trying to hold back the tears. This pain is fucking real.

Night remedy.

What I would give to sleep in your arms, again. I miss you, badly. i just wanna let you know this fucking feelings but i know you will get mad. Jadi, cukuplah mampu terluah di sini saja. selamat malam kesayangan. 

Asonansi Hati #5

kita akan kembali duduk di taman ini. kelak, pada suatu malam. saat bibir kita merindukan tawa dan senyuman.

Asonansi Hati #4

Kau biarkan aku dengan berjuta tanda tanya dalam kepala. sepertinya selalunya hingga buat aku ucap berulang kali, harapan itu celaka.

Asonansi Hati #3

Kirimkan aku mimpi-mimpi indah yang ada kamu, agar kita ketemu kembali seperti sebelum itu. kerna bagiku, aku telah hilang dalam ingatanmu.

Asonansi Hati #2

Luka, terlampau luka bila aku terkenang tiap detik yang kita habiskan bersama dan bila wajahmu lari di hadapanku, aku lemah. hilang kata.

Asonansi Hati #1

Menunggu balasan darimu itu adalah antara harapan harapan yang celaka. aku ini sudah tiada tempatnya, meski dalam lipatan kecil ingatanmu.

                                   - asonansi hati

Please.

Dear God, when I tell you I want to give up, don't take my soul, but send an angel to hug me tight.

Entah.

Tak. Sepi nie tak bunuh aku. Cuma sepi ini buat aku jadi rindu.

Memories.

Bisa kau berbaring disebelah aku..?? Beralaskan lengan alas kepalaku..??
Dan terlena terjaga dan kau masih disisiku..??

Tell me.

كيف أقول أشتاق اليك بطريقة تؤلم قلبك كما تؤلمني.

how do i say i miss you in a way that will make your heart ache as mine does.

Maybe.

Maybe as time goes on, I will understand.....

Am I ?

Through all of her faults.. she somehow completed me.. I guess it was selfishness that kept bringing me back for more.. But hurting me once wasn't enough for her and walking away from me once wasn't enough either.. So am I the selfish one for wanting to make myself feel loved..??

Reason.

Pada seseorang yang kita sayang, selalu ada alasan

untuk pulang.

Keterlenaan.

Mimpi hanya bermakna ketika tidur. Bangun dan kau masih tiada,yang masih bertahan cuma memori dan kenangan.

Bottom. Glass.

"I've been missing you like crazy. I've been weary-eyed, staring at the bottom of my glass again."

Breath.

please don’t tell me that i’m dreaming when all i ever wanted was to dream another sunset with you.